Jeremiah Falls

by Redneck Diva
Genre: Soap Opera


Cast:
Barbara Jean Redbone – 19 year old mother of 12, pregnant for the 11th time with a baby of unknown paternal heritage. In other words, she doesn't quite know who her baby daddy is this time.

Sally Sue, Amelia Bedelia, Eddie Ray Bobby, Nermal Wayne, Cindy Bertha, Barnaby Wallace, Rascal Jean, Stripes McGee, Jr., twin girls, Annie Fay and Fannie May and twin boys, Cecil John and Cyril Don – Children of Barbara Jean.

Darrell Darrell – Swarthy 34 year old 8th grader at Jeremiah Falls' Middle School. Probably Barbara Jean's latest baby daddy – he was the last 8 times.

Neon Leon – Quirky loner who tries to remain low-profile in Jeremiah Falls, but the fact that he glows in the dark due to a tragic accident at the nuclear farm on the edge of town keeps him from the quiet life he desires. Blamed for a lot of petty crime in town because well, he glows in the dark and they see him leaving the scene with the goods tucked under his glowing arm.

Barnaby Jones – Town doctor, Barbara Jean's father.

Jonas Barnaby – Barnaby Jones's evil twin.

"Stripes" McGee – One and only attorney in Jeremiah Falls. Kind of sleazy, smarmy and makes one want to wash their hands after prolonged contact. Father of Stripes McGee, Jr., Barbara Jean's oldest boy.
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[The scene opens in Barbara Jean's scantily furnished shack on the creek bank. Barbara Jean is washing dishes. There are children running amok, engaged in ornery frivolity in the cabin – little Sally Sue is hanging upside down from the rafters, shrieking while her brother Eddie Ray Bobby tries to catch her pigtails with his pocketknife. Rascal Jean is reading a three year old copy of the popular magazine, Hedonism and Leisure Journal. Amelia Bedelia is feeding all four twins. Stripes Jr. and Barnaby Wallace are in a heated debate over the war in Iraq. Cindy Bertha and Nermal Wayne are making out on the couch.]

Barbara Jean: Cindy Bertha Redbone! Nermal Wayne Redbone! Y'all just stop that kissin' right now! Do y'all wanna end up like your cousins Sara Carol and Norman Bates? Those two had to move to Arkansas and git married! Now y'all come 'ere and help me with these dishes. My back is killin' me tonight.

[She sits down wearily in a kitchen chair as Cindy and Nermal enter the kitchen, winking at each other.]

Cindy Bertha: Oh, Momma. You don't even know howta have fun. Why, Nermal and I are just doing what you said. You always say, "Y'all kids need to git along better." So we are. Ain't we, baby?

[Nermal grins and pinches Cindy's rear]

Barbara Jean: You two are playin' with far. I'm not sure, but I think y'all have the same daddy…..

[Knock at the door. Barbara Jean stands and waddles to the front door. Opening it, she finds Darrell Darrell standing on the stoop with a bouquet of wildflowers in his hand. She tries to shut the door, but he stops it with his foot.]

Darrell: Oh, Barbara Jean. Don't be so mean. Heh. That kinda rhymed. Anyway, Barbara Jean, you know you love me and I love you. Why cain't I just take you away from all this – by the way, hi kids that are mine. Don't ferget yer daddy loves you! Barbara Jean, just run away with me. It looks like Cindy Bertha and Nermal are getting' on fine – let 'em play house for awhile and take care of the young'uns. I can shoot some extra possum and squirrel to get 'em through the winter. We'll hitchhike to Oklahoma and live the good life for awhile with our new young'un.

[This whole time, Barbara Jean is tapping her foot impatiently, hands on her hips, looking off at the wall.]

Barbara Jean: You done, Darrell Darrell? 'Cuz if you are, you can just take yer fancy flowers right back out and put 'em back in my garden. I ain't runnin' away with you. I have 'sponsibilities here and if you cain't handle that, you need to go find you some sweet thang in that fancy schmancy Jeremiah Falls Middle School you go to, and run off with her. I ain't your plaything, Darrell. Not no more.

[She chokes back a sob as she slowly shuts the door. Shoulders slumped, she pushes Cindy Bertha and Nermal apart from each other and starts washing dishes again.]

[Fade out]

[Scene opens to Jonas Barnaby pacing angrily. He has Barnaby Jones tied to the railroad track on the outskirts of town and Barnaby is doing his best to talk his evil twin into letting him go.]

Barnaby: Listen, evil twin brother, let's talk this through. It's not like I asked to be the one Momma Jones kept all those years ago. You hafta understand that it's fate, destiny's child, kissma or something. You were supposed to be the one to live in that orphanage, one of many ill, malnutritioned children, waiting daily for someone to take you home with them. You are who you are because of that orphanage.

Jonas: Don't pontificate at me, not-evil twin brother. You're Momma's chosen one.Do you know what it's like to watch child after child leave the orphanage with a new momma and daddy, knowing you have to stay and endure cold oatmeal, free government cheese and re-runs on PBS? Do you? No. You don't. You went to medical school and you have a good life, a daughter, grandkids. Lots of grandkids. What do I have? Well, aside from the clap I got last winter when I had to prostitute myself out just so I could stay warm, I don't have anything. Nothing.

[Jonas sits on the railroad track next to his bound twin brother. Jonas leans his head on Barnaby's shoulder and begins to cry.]

Barnaby: Damn, evil twin brother, you sure did have it bad. I can give you some sulfur pills for that clap, you can stay with me and Mrs. Jones and well, I know of 12 kids who would sure like to have another uncle. And just so you know….I didn't go to med school. I took a correspondence course from that place Sally Struthers went to.

Jonas: ICS?

Barnaby: You see what? Man, we better get you those sulfur pills quick. Untie me, evil twin brother. Let's go home.

[Jonas embraces Barnaby. As the camera pans around the two men, Jonas grins evilly.]

[Fade out.]

[Scene opens with Stripes McGee pacing in front of his large desk. Neon Leon is slouched down in a large wing-back chair. Stripes is muttering and stopping occasionally to peer at a legal pad on his desk.]

Stripes: So tell me, Neon Leon, do you trust me?

Leon: I don't have a choice, do I?

Stripes: I'm Stripes McGee.

Leon: I know. I'm Neon Leon. I thought we did this earlier.

Stripes: Nevermind. I will win this case, Neon Leon, or my name isn't Stripes McGee.

Leon: Riiiiight. You're Stripes McGee. I'm Neon Leon. I thought we established that already.

[Fade out.]

[Scene opens to Barbara Jean's bedroom in the shack on the creek bank. Barbara Jean is very obviously in labor on the bed. Cindy Bertha is wiping her forehead with a washcloth. Amelia Bedelia is bouncing Fanny and Annie on her hips, while pacing the room.]

Amelia: Cindy Bertha, I think it's 'bout time we called ol' Papa Jones, don'tcha think? Momma's not lookin' so good right now.

Cindy: Amelia Bedelia Redbone, you'd think you'd never seen a woman give birth before. Of course, she don't look so good. She's gonna be pushin' a baby outta her hoohah here in a bit. I jist hope I look this purty when I have Nermal Wayne's baby…

Barbara Jean: What? UNNNGGGHHH! (pants) You're havin' his baby? Your brother's baby? Cindy Bertha Redbone, that child'll be borned with two heads or sumthin'.

Cindy: Oh, Momma. We'll be fine. We're in love. Besides, I did some checkin' with Stripes Jr. and he said that if memory served him c'rectly, Nermal Wayne and I don't have the same daddy. So, see? We'll be fine. If the baby is a little slow or sumthin', we'll just put him in daddy's class at the middle school. Daddy'll help 'im. It'll be good fer the baby t'spend time with his grampa.

Eddie Ray Bobby: Okay, Amelia Bedelia, I got the truck a'runnin' and I'm ready to go get ol' Papa Jones. You think she'll wait?

Amelia: Oh golly, I sure 'nuf hope she can….

Barbara Jean: UNNGGGH!! Nooooo! I can't wait no more! Eddie Ray Bobby get m'daddy NOW. I'm havin' this baby!

[Eddie leaves the room, a truck roars out of the yard.]

[Amelia hands the twins off to Sally Sue and she and Cindy prepare for the birth of their new brother or sister. They're excited to find out whether they'll be aunts of uncles, but are concerned for their mother, who doesn't seem to be handling the labor as well as she usually does.]

[Scene cuts to Eddie Ray Bobby pulling into Barnaby's house. Barnaby and Jonas run out of the house with Eddie and hurriedly get in the truck. The truck heads back to the shack on the creek bank.]

[Scene cuts back to the shack on the creek bank.]

Cindy Bertha: Just one more push now, Momma. Come on now. You can do it! PUUUUSH!

Amelia: Okay, here it comes…..I'm an uncle! [a baby's cry fills the room] Oh momma, it's the prettiest little Asian baby boy you've ever seen! Wonder who's the daddy of this one? Any ideas?

Barbara Jean: Lo Hung Dong

Cindy:[pulling back the baby's blanket] I'll say.

[Fade out.]