Ask not for whom the Wedding Bell tolls!

by Bubblegum Tate of Your Blog Must Die, Mine Alone is Best




Ajax Stewart, Engineer of the Impossible
in
Ask not for whom the Wedding Bell tolls!


Tracer rounds blazed through the sky, each one spaced as perfectly as the dash on a tombstone and just as final. Ajax Stewart yanked hard on the stick of his tiny jet, a ballpoint pen with stubby wings and tail fins belching fire from its hind end, and banked sharply away from the phosphorescent harbingers of disaster. The jet shook and shuddered like a drunken club girl gyrating to the repetitive, pounding rhythm of a song that ended fifteen seconds ago. Ajax swore under his breath as he felt the jet’s usually pinpoint accurate steering go soft and lumpy like cold oatmeal. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw three flashing, golden jets of his arch nemesis closing in on him and heard the jackhammer ratcheting of their machine guns as they stabbed at him across the azure expanse. Ajax Stewart: scientist, genius, adventurer, explorer of strange and forgotten worlds, crime fighter, finder of strange artifacts and enemy of bizarre and evil masterminds. With a certain resignation, Ajax realized that his wedding frankly couldn’t have gone any other way.

"Ohhhhhh, poop," Ajax whispered as the ground came rushing towards him.

Six Hours Ago…

Ajax Stewart sat in a plush leather chair with his fingers steepled under his chin. Ajax monitored the operations of his global concern, Stewart Trouble Shooting, Inc., from his office at the top of Stewart Heights and with the aid of a multi-layered holographic display and a wall of monitors. STSI was known the world over for solving problems and cutting through the tangle of capricious fate for hundreds of clients and being paid handsomely for it. Raised by his father and a team of scientists and teachers to be the ultimate problem solver, it was only natural Ajax would surround himself with people of similar, if inferior, talents. Traveling the globe and stumbling into trouble or a mystery was simple, but cleaving through it with the sureness that only his extraordinary upbringing could achieve was not something just anybody could do. The amazing skills of Ajax Stewart had put some of the richest men in the world into Ajax’s debt. As his reputation grew, he was eventually hired to spearhead explorations of the strange and weird, which caused his fortune to grow along with his fame. Now, years later, operatives of Stewart Trouble Shooting were the most sought after thinkers, planners and people-of-action in the world; and none more sought after than the Engineer of the Impossible himself.

But what exploit could have prepared him, what criminal mastermind could compare with the danger, what problem was as thorny as the one that lay ahead of Ajax just two days in the future? After years of traveling, exploring and adventuring together, Ajax and the amazonian princess, the Mistress of Tooth and Claw from the shadowy and fetid jungles of the Enigma Isles, had finished their prenuptial dance. In less than forty-eight hours, Ajax Stewart was to be wed to the fierce Princess Shiarra, better known to the world as Shiarra the She Wolf.

Dressed impeccably in a cream suite and tie with a blood red shirt and deep black shoes, Ajax’s powerfully built frame sat at the center of a nearly empty room. The walls were dark mahogany except where they were broken by a screen or technical readout. Just behind him and to the right was his majordomo, Julie. It was her voice that broke him from the fog of his reverie.

"…global operations are more or less as they should be. We still have yet to realign the equipment to communicate with the Imagionauts in the world of fictions, but it has only been four hours since last contact…" she was cut off by a wave of Ajax’s hand.

"I handpicked those men and women for the Imagionauts and the second mission into the Abstract Kingdoms. They are guests of several ‘fictional’ monarchs, I’m sure they’re fine. Tell me," Ajax said spinning in his chair to face Julie, a wicked grin breaking across his face, "about the wedding!"

"The wedding plans are coming together nicely, sir. The Princess’ family is being flown in," Julie cocked an eyebrow at her boss, "especially the ones that ‘don’t approve of my lifestyle, my fashion sense, my taste in men or my ability to kill them with my bare hands’ as the Princess says. The menu is being finalized and the flowers from the Enigma Isles will arrive tomorrow morning. Everything is ready except the Princess’ wedding dress, and she disappeared two days ago swearing she wouldn’t return without the perfect gown." A small frown creased Julies otherwise pretty face, "I can’t help but think that she’ll arrive just in time for the wedding smelling vaguely of foreign liquors and wearing the skin of some endangered animal, sir."

"Surely not again!" Ajax replied with a smirk. "Still, I don’t like her going off on her own just for dress shopping. The entire company has been on high alert since the Primeval Magus swore he would overthrow her kingdom as a wedding present. The Quantum Pharaoh keeps holding press conferences claiming our marriage somehow confirms he’s our son from the future. And the rest of my rogue’s gallery just makes stranger claims and promises than that."

Julie replied archly, "She did manage to carve a protectorate out of dinosaur infested jungles after being raised by a pack of dire wolves when her parents’ expedition to the Enigma Isles was destroyed by the Primeval Magus. Dress shopping shouldn’t be too much of a challenge…" Julie trailed off as, one by one, each of the monitors blinked and resolved themselves into a grinning face of pure malevolence.

"Dr. B’hadgai!" Julie yelped, her eyes widening and her hand flying to her mouth in shock. Ajax spun in his chair and found himself face-to-faces with his most persistent adversary. Coming to his feet, the holographic control matrix surrounding him winking out of existence, Ajax snarled at his most hated foe, "What is it you want now, you twisted fiend?"

"Calm yourself, old friend. Can’t a man wish a childhood pal good tidings on his upcoming marriage?" Dr. B’hadgai purred in his slightly accented voice. Wearing a white lab coat, a monocle in his left eye and with a portion of his head and face replaced by technology, Avel B’hadgai was the very picture of the mad scientist.

With a sigh, Ajax replied "Avel, we haven’t been ‘pals’ since we were teenagers. You’re going to try and ruin my wedding with some Byzantine scheme or giant robot or whatever. You know it. I know it. So let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?"

"Very well, Ajax, I bring a matrimonial challenge! Although it is in poor taste to request gifts from the groom, your computers are even now receiving information on the items you will procure for me before your wedding begins." The already grinning face seemed to smile even wider and sparks flashed behind the bionic eye as the evil scientist purred, "In honor of your pending nuptials, there will be four items: something old, something new, something borrowed," Dr. B’hadgai waved his hand in front of his face dismissively as he finished, "ah, the newspapers continuously tell me you are a genius, so I’m sure you can figure out the rest."

"Avel," Ajax sighed and settled back into his chair, "setting aside the fact that I have a wedding in two days and a multinational company to run, I hate you. What, aside from a wildly unrealistic sense of confidence, makes you think I will gather these items for you?" Ajax’s manner was easy, but his mighty intellect was ticking away. He didn’t yet know the answer, but Avel B’hadgai would not make idle demands backed by idle threats. Something was gravely wrong.

Dr. B’hadgai suddenly grew very serious as he leaned towards the camera. "You will do it, my so-called Engineer of the Impossible, because I demand it and it is your rightful place to bow before me. Also, you will jump at my word because the alternative is to never see your beloved She Wolf again."

The camera suddenly swung around to show a statuesque woman manacled, spread-eagle, to a steel wall with thick chains. Though she was obviously exhausted and disheveled, the Mistress of Tooth and Claw would not bow to her captors. Her head was thrown back, eyes were bright with hatred and she stared directly into the camera. "Ajax, dear," Shiarra said with affection in her voice, "thrash this has-been again. For me?" Her lips peeled away from sharp teeth in a feral grin, "I want him broken in body and spirit when I tear his throat out."

The camera spun its vacant eye back to Dr. B’hadgai. "Brave words, bitch of the wolves. Well, Ajax? Ready to play my games yet?"

Through gritted teeth, Ajax said "You’ve got my attention, Avel. What do you want me to do first?"
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Strapped into the AJX-Mark II, a one-man jet fighter of his own design, Ajax listened intently to the Julie’s briefing coming over his earpiece.

"The something old is the Papyrus of Ani, sir. The papyrus is a Book of Going Forth By Day created specifically for a man named Ani," Julie said.

Ajax nodded to himself and said, "I’ve heard of it, the so-called Book of the Dead for a Theban scribe…but what makes it so important to Dr. B’hadgai?"

"Unknown at this time, sir," and Julie said," our Mystical Antiquities researchers have long suspected that Ani was no mere scribe, but a powerful sorcerer and cult leader; a mystical parasite that fed off the life force of others to sustain his enchantments. They think his followers may have encoded powerful spells into the papyrus, but that doesn’t explain what Dr. B’hadgai would want with it."

Ajax’s mouth became a thin line, "Avel has always been a man of science, albeit a mad and evil one. It’s strange, but he may simply be forcing me to get an item he thinks is unreachable, to make me jump through hoops. It’s certainly keeping me from mounting any kind of rescue operation for Shiarra for the moment."

"The Papyrus is pretty inaccessible, sir."

"Don’t worry about it, I have a plan."

"What? Are you planning on breaking into the British Museum and stealing it?" asked Julie, shocked?

"Certainly not," Ajax replied.

"Well, you can’t expect to just give the most prestigious museum in the world a jingle and ask to borrow it like they’re the public library and the priceless artifact is the latest Tom Clancy novel!" Julie said, her voice rising just a bit.

"Julie, I’m the world’s greatest problem solver. I’ll think of something."
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Ajax shook the hand of the British Museum’s head curator, Sir Reginald Huntington III while taking a leather portfolio from the curator with his other hand.

"I really appreciate this, Sir Reginald." Ajax said with earnest sincerity.

"Tut tut, my boy. It was the least we could for the man who brought us the entirety of our Atlantis exhibit," Sir Reginald said with a wave of his hand. "Such wonders, and all perfectly preserved as well."

"Not exactly preserved, Sir Reginald, I brought most of that back through time when I was kidnapped for a skiing vacation in the Ice Age by that shiftless, time-hopping layabout the Quantum Pharaoh. Still, it was my pleasure to donate it to the museum."

"We very much appreciate it, Mr. Stewart, and look forward to your next opportunity to grace our small house of antiquities with a find." Sir Reginald leaned in and winked conspiratorially,

"We can’t have all the good stuff going to New York or Paris, can we?"

"Absolutely not. Thanks again for the loan." With that, Ajax ran towards, and leapt into the cockpit of, the jet fighter he had landed on Great Russell Street with its VTOL capabilities. He knew he was stretching his authority to the limit, but his special deputization from both Scotland Yard and INTERPOL ought to keep him out of trouble for a while yet.

As he put his earpiece in, he was nearly deafened by the piercing squeal of feedback that came through it. Dr. B’hadgai’s voice was in his ear.

"Very clever, Ajax, I must admit I didn’t expect you to simply ASK for the papyrus," Dr. B’hadgai said, amusement in his voice. "Although, honestly, I wouldn’t have expected them to give it to you either."

"Apparently the British Museum lives by the Golden Rule, Avel. Don’t sound too disappointed, I’m sure the something new won’t be as easy," Ajax said as he fired the engines and began rising into the sky.

"Oh ho, Mr. Stewart," B’hadgai barked a short laugh, "I’ve dispatched my Golden Fighter Squadron. They’ll be on you in just under a minute. The papyrus won’t be all that easy after all!" B’hadgai fell into maniacal laughter and the feed was cut off. Almost simultaneously, eight blips appeared on Ajax’s radar screen.
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"Ohhhhhh, poop," Ajax whispered as the ground came rushing towards him.

It had been quite a dogfight, but it was no real mystery who would win in the end. The Golden Fighter Squadron were handpicked and personally trained in the use of Dr. B’hadgai’s own creation, the Blood Eagle. The Blood Eagles were state-of-the-art jet fighters, the fastest and most maneuverable in the world. While they didn’t pack the heaviest firepower, they were well known for their ability to make surgical applications of force and destroy nearly any target in the sky. The Golden Squadron was the elite, the top gun, of Dr. B’hadgai’s criminal air force. The deadliest men in the air at the sticks of the deadliest machines in the air.

The AJX-Mark II was at least the technical marvel that the Blood Eagle was, but they were many and Ajax was only one. Still, Ajax himself could have bested any five of the Golden Squadron, and had done so. But they had bought a precious victory with their lives; the avionics had been knocked out in the Mark II. The three remaining Blood Eagles bore down on Ajax, looking to finish the job.

Coaxing the last bit of maneuverability out of the Mark II, Ajax spun it around, aimed directly for the lead Blood Eagle and opened up the throttle. The Mark II was a silver bullet aimed at a golden target and even one of B’hadgai’s planes couldn’t evade it in time. At the last possible second, Ajax hit the ejection seat.

The canopy broke off over him and he was blasted clear of the Mark II. As his jet pack kicked in, he shot away from the two intersecting planes, but not fast enough to miss the blast of heat as they combusted on impact. Twisting his body before the other pilots could react, he drew one of his custom, nickel-plated .45s and shot an explosive tipped round at the cockpit of another Blood Eagle.

The round went through the cockpit glass as easily as empty air, and a sickening thud was heard as the explosive detonated in the enclosed space. The plane, now sporting a smoking cockpit, careened out of control and crashed directly into its wingman, causing them both to explode in a glorious fireball leaving a quiet all the more deafening because of the tremendous noise just before.

"Julie," Ajax said into his throat radio as he adjusted his grip on the portfolio holding the Papyrus of Ani, "tell the London office I’ll be dropping by and have them assemble a dossier on the next item."

"Already compiled by myself, sir, but I’m sorry to say there isn’t much information on the item," Julie said with resignation.

With deep resignation, Ajax replied "I know; and there’s only one man I can ask about it. My ‘son,’ that time traveling pest, the Quantum Pharaoh."