TO: Ol’ Joe Billy Bob
Redneck Hills Mall President of Operations
FROM: Cap’n Neurotic
Origins’R’Us Regional Director
RE: Space for rent
Dear sir,
In lieu of your standard “application,” please see the attached copy of our latest promotional material from our corporate offices in Wakanda. We feel that your rustic atmosphere and “green” philosophy fit well with the aesthetic sense of our other branches, housed in abandoned railway stations, ancient castles, labyrinthine caverns, and Whataburgers across the globe; we hope you agree.
ORIGINS’R’US
Paving the way for rouge justice since the dawn of the Galactic Pax Treaty
Are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face by bullies?
Are you sick of seeing the wicked profit from their misdeeds?
Are you borderline psychotic in your need to avenge your parents’ deaths but aren’t quite sure how to do it?
If you answered “yes” to any of these, then what you need is a visit to everyone’s favorite super-power emporium ORIGINS’R’US!
Yes, ORIGINS’R’US offers a wide range of materials to give every would-be crimefighter a leg up in their never-ending battle for truth, justice, and all that jazz.
Ancient words of power?
We got ‘em!
Mystical gemstones with esoteric abilities?
We got ‘em!
Radioactive isotopes and irradiated lab animals?
We got ‘em!
Implausibly powerful bits of alien technology?
We got ‘em!
And, here at ORIGINS’R’US we do more than just hand over these items of incalculable power
willy-nilly. Each member of our highly trained staff is cloned from one of our founding partners and cybernetically implanted with all the knowledge which has not been lost in the mists of time
on each of our items. These custodians of our cosmic culture will not only help you select the life-altering item which best suits your personal needs, but will give you all the assistance you need to activate and access the powers and abilities which will make you so far above us mere mortals that you are like unto a god*!
Our patented TARDIS technology allows our store to be infinitely larger inside than it appears from without, allowing us to house our mind-staggering amount of merchandise, as well as special genetic-mutation-inducing environments such as:
- Gamma testing ranges
- Particle accelerators
- Lazarus Pits
- Rifts in Time and Space
- Terrigen Mist chambers
- Symbiote breeding grounds
- And many more!
In addition, our special three-day suspended animation waiting period with full psychic scans insures that only the most stable of vengeance-hungry vigilantes are allowed to roam free with catastrophic powers at their fingertips in order to take the law into their own hands.
And be sure to visit our sister store, SPANDEX WISHES AND CAPE-&-COWL DREAMS for all of your super-hero apparel needs.
ORIGINS’R’US: tracking down items of earth-shattering importance and universe-shaking power so that you don’t have to.
*Actual divinity not implied
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